Sabine’s Blog

These days, I have been watching this fine Norwegian thriller/horror film called Skjult (Hidden) featuring one of my favorite Norwegian actors Kristoffer Joner.

Une nuit, le petit Kai Koss se sauvent dans la forêt pour échapper à la tyrannie de sa mère. Il est le témoin visuel d’un accident qui laisse en vie un jeune garçon comme lui, Peter. 19 ans plus tard, alors que Kai revient sur les lieux pour régler le décès de sa mère, son retour fait ressurgir le traumatisme profond lié à son enfance dans la maison avec sa mère. Il veut tout brûler. Mais il est persuadé que Peter est toujours là et qu’il tue dans la forêt…

Un amie artiste a attiré mon attention sur l’acte de création analysé ici par l’écrivaine américaine, Elizabeth Gilbert.

Elle parle des professions artistiques que l’on associe systématiquement à la soufrance, la folie et la dépression. Cela viendrait de l’énorme pression attribuée au créateur même, supposé seul(e) responsable de sa propre création.

Cela n’a pas toujours été le cas, explique t’elle. Chez les grecs et les romains, on croyait que nous n’étions que les médiateurs d’un génie hors de nous. Donc que nous ne faisions que de “transporter” le savoir vers une feuille blanche.

Je me suis tout de suite reconnue dans ce discours. Mais je me demande pourquoi donc on en est venu à associer mal être existentiel à l’écriture (une forme de création).

Enfin, la rédaction d’une thèse doit-elle forcément être lié à l’essence de soi?

“The sun is shining…We should be making hay.”

Sitting on the sofa. The cat sleeping snug against me.

I have been grinding more on my incapacity and inability to do my work. No change there.

But I have been trying to think of the positive aspects about writing now too.

It is good and I am lucky that I do not have to work. (although this does not give me any  structure which I miss; and it wrongly gives the impression that I have much time.)

I have been able and have had time to acquire Norwegian language which enables me to read books and articles.

I have to finish within the year and then I can be done and move on to something else.

That’s it. I run out.

Temps gris. Pluie fine. Blues du lundi matin.

Angoisses nocturnes. Encore.

J’ai un projet, une idée que je trouve parfois bonne parfois originale.

Mais je suis criblée de doutes…

Par où commencer? Où attaquer cette montagne devant moi?

Comment s’affirmer?

Here is my rant of the day:
Am I actually moving ahead or am I stagnating? I am thinking about it all the time and working on it most of the time. But still it does not seems like I am making any progress.
Disappointing, frustrating. Frustrating, disappointing.

It is like an obsession. Of myself with myself. I would like to burst the bubble. And finally let go. Why can’t I let go. Just do it. Just do it. I can do it.
I have written two master’s degrees in a few months each. Why can’t I do the same now?
Why does is seem like I have to move a mountain? Why is this so hard?

Why has it become an existential quest?
I can do it, if I choose to.

Another partially sleepless night. I woke up at 3.20 and went to the bathroom. Then back to bed and twist and turn and turn. I did not get back to sleep. So I try not to think about it. But after a while I check the clock: it’s after four. I get up, in the kitchen, I have a piece of bread and some apple juice. The cat is around waiting for a dose of tuna. Staring at the fridge. I prepare the sofa in case I have to come up here after another hour. I shiver. Our radiators are on 17 at night. I check the temperature outside. It is 0. I go back to the bathroom and start to do my nails. After a while I go back to bed and try to sleep under my pillow. It must have been close to 5. It works since I wake up again a little later to realize that I have just been dreaming and thus sleeping.
I experience such nights often these days. Then the next day I am tired and depressed and find it hard to work and concentrate.
When I am awake, I think about my life, my age and my unfinished dissertation. I think what helps me the most is probably to work on the diss and feel as if I have accomplished something.

The sun is shining on the snow, it is just above freezing temperatures. The birds are singing their spring tunes.  And yet, I was left alone today so that I could work. I was not even asked if I wanted to join…   It was assumed that I would rather stay home than spend time with my family. I feel abandoned and sad. But it’s for my own good, right? That’s the way it has been for years. Sacrifice. I have to work, no matter what, week-ends, holidays. The pressure is on. Anytime.  Always. There is no boundary between work days and other days. Whenever you do not work, that is when  GUILT settles in. No matter when it is. Bad conscience, sleepless night, anxiety, anger, grumpiness. Ever since I entered the PhD program, I have been quite unhappy and guilty.

Then the biggest problem is I do not work enough! It would make sense for me to work and be done once and for all. But that is not happening. Instead I just wallow in my own sadness and frustration.  It is that paradox that puzzles me. Maybe I am weary, maybe I am tired, maybe I am scared…

Today I went swimming again for the first time in month! I get very tense in the upper back after sitting in a bad position on the computer. So I went to get a massage that was …painful! I complained to my masseuse about waking at night, my mind rambling with thoughts. She said I should exercise more so that my body was tired when my mind has an overload.  I dislike running utterly but I can swim for one hour without problem. I love being in water, gliding, feeling light and not sweating! So in addition to my 3 hours of aerobics a week, I will be trying to get 1 or 2 hours of swimming. When I swim, I think and almost forget that I am in the water. Someone once told me it is like meditating.

What really bugs me at this point is how slowly I advance in my project. The days I don’t get any work done, I feel extremely guilty and then wake up in the middle of the night thinking about it. Overall I think I have a concentration issue. I cannot sit still and concentrate on my work for very long. The worse is that I start surfing and look up the most stupid things on the web: recipes, medicine, imdb biographies, youtube etc…

So I have tried to take some homeopathy which might have helped. Now I am at the point where I play Mozart’s symphonies. I heard that it has a positive and calming effect on plants and on babies, so why not? I have 5 CDs so that should keep me for a while. 

Avec ce texte, j’inaugure une nouvelle rubrique intitulée “the big diss.” Catégorie à but purgatoire car je vais m’en servir pour exorciser un certain nombre de troubles (euphémisme) liés à la rédaction (douloureuse) de la thèse.

Qui a eu cette idée folle un jour d’inventer cette colle?

Dissertation: du Latin disserta ou l’art de se creuser le ciboulot sur un sujet pointu dans le but de trouver une méthode, approche inédite et d’en rédiger 300 pages. En bref, de la masturbation intellectuelle!!

Donc, pour ceux qui n’y connaissent rien (God Bless you) vous trouverez ici le récit de mes péritpéties intellos barbantes, de mes doutes, angoisses, peurs et autres pensées paranos… et pour ceux qui y sont aussi, j’espère que cela va vous divertir ou au pire, vous endormir.

J’y déverserai comme bon me semble, dans la langue qui viendra, mes pensées dans le but premier de me faire écrire, et peut-être réfléchir.