Sabine’s Blog

The sun is shining on the snow, it is just above freezing temperatures. The birds are singing their spring tunes.  And yet, I was left alone today so that I could work. I was not even asked if I wanted to join…   It was assumed that I would rather stay home than spend time with my family. I feel abandoned and sad. But it’s for my own good, right? That’s the way it has been for years. Sacrifice. I have to work, no matter what, week-ends, holidays. The pressure is on. Anytime.  Always. There is no boundary between work days and other days. Whenever you do not work, that is when  GUILT settles in. No matter when it is. Bad conscience, sleepless night, anxiety, anger, grumpiness. Ever since I entered the PhD program, I have been quite unhappy and guilty.

Then the biggest problem is I do not work enough! It would make sense for me to work and be done once and for all. But that is not happening. Instead I just wallow in my own sadness and frustration.  It is that paradox that puzzles me. Maybe I am weary, maybe I am tired, maybe I am scared…